Recently we have had some nice kids birthday parties at New Govardhana (you can check out the pics here). Putting on one of these parties can be quite an effort, and while helping to set up a party for our own daughter Karuna, I started thinking about what was the meaning behind all of this, and why we do these events. Of course parties with devotees are a great chance to serve the devotees prasadam and chant the Holy Name in the association of the Vaisnavas, which is glorious. However there is another important function fulfilled by these events, and it is part of giving our kids what they need, even though we may not be able to always give them everything they want.
The Bhagavad-gita says that when there is an absence of religion, the family traditions break down, there is free mingling between men and women, and the result is unwanted progeny. From the point of view of a child, we can well imagine the negative psychological effects of being told you were unwanted or an “accident”.
The upside of this is that we can have exactly the opposite result by showing our children that they are very much “wanted” and not only that, they are loved and cherished.
Of course our goal is not to have happy children who grow up to enjoy their senses and then take another birth according to their karma. Sastra says that the real goal of Krishna conscious family life is to raise children who will attain spiritual perfection and not have to take birth again in this material world. Furthermore, the sastras say that one should not become a guru, teacher or parent if one cannot deliver their dependents from the cycle of birth and death.
The role of parent then, is not a trivial one. In a very real sense the parent is the guru (representative of God) for the child. This is confirmed elsewhere in the sastra where it states that a parent takes on the reactions for the child's activities until the child is 16 years of age, in the same way that the guru takes on the reactions for the activities of their disciples.
This aspect of seeing the parents as guru is very practical, and starts from the very beginning of life. Without the mother's care and breast milk, the newborn baby would die. So the mother is the affectionate maintainer, representing the ultimate maintainer, God. Naturally the child is submissive to this loving maintainer. Next the child becomes aware of the father who is also the loving maintainer. In the Vedic ideal, the father works to maintain the family, and gives loving protection to the wife and children. Due to this protection and care, the wife naturally is submissive to the husband, and the child sees this reciprocation of submission and loving care. As the child develops, he sees that the father himself is submissive to senior devotees, and ultimately the spiritual master. In this way the child sees the principle of parampara being established from a very young age, and the essential principal that one must be submissive to a loving authority for the blessings and affection to flow. This all begins with the mother being the first guru.
By understanding this truth we can use it to our advantage as parents, in helping our children attain faith in the Lord. Developing faith in the Lord means that we come to rely on Him for everything we need, we accept His love and protection, and we become submissive to His desires. When our children are young and they are freely accepting of our role as their gurus or representatives of the Lord, we can use this time to act as Krishna acts towards us; as a caring guardian who gives everything we need, and is fair and just in his rectification. By acting as proper representatives of the Lord, we greatly help our children develop their natural love and dependence on the Lord. Depending on the Lord and being submissive to His desires will become natural for them as they grow to maturity.
There are many examples in the life of Srila Prabhupada where his father and mother always tried to please him by giving him what he wanted, even if it was a toy gun for each hand, or making his favourite foodstuff in the middle of the night. Of course, they also took the opportunity to encourage his spiritual development by arranging for a toy size Rathayatra chariot to be made for little Abhay to have his own Rathayatra. In this way Srila Prabhupada experienced a loving, caring, spiritual upbringing.
Therefore events where we make a special effort to create a wonderful experience for our children serve to nourish the feelings within the child that they are wanted, loved and cherished. If these can have some spiritual aspect to them, all the better. From this they will feel secure within the family situation, and within the wider association of devotees.
When asked what can be done about the situation of ISKCON youth who were leaving the association of devotees when they attained maturity, His Holiness Jayapataka Swami commented that, in his experience, the best way to keep children connected to Krishna consciousness, was to give them so much love and affection when they are in the home, that they feel so happy and protected that they don't want to leave.
It is clear that the best way to give our kids the very best chance at being devotees is to firstly be exemplary devotees ourselves, who are happy and peaceful in our spiritual life, and secondly to give our children security, affection and love so that they always feel sheltered in the home.
According to the sastric injunction that we are responsible to see that our children have the very best chance at becoming pure devotees in this lifetime, it is our duty to give them such experiences in their early childhood that they are accustomed to accepting shelter, protection and blessings from superiors, and being submissive to them.
This does not however suggest that we should accept offensive or inappropriate behaviour from our children, or shower them with so many artificial 'wants', but they should always be given what they need.
Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakur said that to practice sadhana bhakti we first need our physical health, then mental well-being, and then a healthy social or family situation. When these primary needs are met, the conditioned soul can peacefully execute sadhana bhakti and make progress in the pure chanting of the Holy Name.
By fulfilling these basic needs of our children, we are doing our duty of providing the physical, mental and social support needed for them to feel secure within the association of devotees. When our children grow up feeling secure in the association of devotees, they have an incredible chance to perfect their lives by chanting the Holy Name and serving the Lord in such saintly association. By perfecting their lives in Krishna consciousness they will never have to take birth again, and we will be unlimitedly blessed by the Lord for serving His devotees in such an intimate and loving way.
